OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
