I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize