I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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