I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
