My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No subtext here. People are naked.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
