I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
