I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
