Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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