Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
