From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
