I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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