At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
