I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
