Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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