I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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