I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
