Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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