my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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