i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
