Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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