They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
