i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
