and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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