she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
