I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
