We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
