Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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