i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
