She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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