oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
