My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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