I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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