Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
