apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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