Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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