First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
