in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
