the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize