i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
