somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
