Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
