A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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