I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i think my cat just said my name.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize