just survived the first fart of the relationship.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
