hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
love makes seman taste better
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Randomize
