Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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