My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just gift wrapped bread.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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