who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
