I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
