My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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