I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
