I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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