I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
