I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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