david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
