i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
