I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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