Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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