maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Are we still banned from the library?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize