Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
