I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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